C'est mon secret.

Hello 2012!

2012-01-02T04:00:00.003+08:00

Hello 2012. I don't welcome you. For random reasons. I'm upset, as usual. But oh well. Good news, bad news. I roll with it aye.

First off the list - My new bestie with MR (matrep hor)... It started out with a huge laughter and I hope our friendship will last long with more laughter. Can't emphasize on that enough, though I know guys come and goes... none really stayed, especially that idiot. No, I don't hope for/about you anymore. Get a life.

Camwhored...

I looked haggard, damn...

Second on the list - ARIQ RAFIQI. The newest addition to my family. My lil' nephew, born on the 11 December of 2011. Woot~ C:

Say hello to your Auntie Ernie, boy! Hehe~ C:

No idea why I'm tippy toe-ing...

Well, those are the good news I guess. Hehs.

I don't know about the bad news, not in the mood to spill out my heart for anyone nowadays. My problems are tightly locked inside my mind and I don't bother to share them anymore. No fucking point also.

Do MR and me look good together? LMAO. My BF will kill me for sure. But then again, moot point. We don't even take much photos together, so who the hell is he to complain when someone else's taking good care of my emotional needs? Blearggh.

2012, fuck them resolutions. I have none. Yep. This year I'm just gonna "expect the best, be prepared for the worst, fuck what others think and just do my own things."

So far, so good. Cheers!

Ariq Rafiqy

2011-12-12T18:22:00.002+08:00

Congratulations to my abang and his wife, on their newborn baby boy (11-12-11)~ C:

OMFG. I'm officially an auntie now!!! :D

Who am I living for?

2011-12-11T11:20:00.002+08:00

In another life, I would be your girl.

Hello again. December's ending soon and I'm going up with my class. Finally going K2, finally I can almost say I've taught all levels from PG - K2. Finally...

In the end, though... nothing was ever enough.

White elephant

2011-11-19T14:01:00.002+08:00

The little brats and me watched a play at Esplanade Theatre Studio last Wednesday and it was such an awesome and funny show! :D

I really enjoyed it - The White Elephant and Bukit Batok (why the hills cough)! I give it 8 thumbs up for being such an interactive and amusing play~ C:

Us and the actors! Hehe!

Swing with the Stars D&D 2011

2011-11-19T12:45:00.005+08:00

Hello anyone who is reading - more photo updates! I personally like Tumblr when it comes to uploading photos on blog, but I don't want this space to be wasted... so here I am.

Photos are from 12-11-2011 Dinner & Dance. Enjoy~ C:

Dolling up

Hehe~ C:

Katong & Raffles -the dance crew

Katong!

Ms Sally and the Fabulous Four

Geetha and me

I forgot her name but she was my course mate and she's a principal! :D

Sexy ladies

Marseile and me

The 2 bestest colleagues

Step jambu lah ni

Lovely Ms Ann and me

Me, Nadia and Ai Lin

The KATONG clan

Handsome angmoh and the fabulous four~ C:

And never knowing

2011-11-06T18:26:00.004+08:00

Well, I'm not perfect...

It's been awhile, been a week since I turned 23. I didn't have a HUGE celebration like last year, but it's enough that some people remembered. I was upset, definitely. I had plans but oh well. Some things just never go your way.

I have been hanging out with `Kinne Gangster` every week now. We meet, we part and we meet again - true story of our life, which has happened quite a lot of times.

I literally have nothing to say, which is maddening. I'm becoming more and more of that shallow 'hate the world and everyone in it' emoshit person. Sighs.

FTW.

Honestly? Yes, I might shut down this blog for good.

Counting down

2011-10-19T19:26:00.001+08:00

10 more days to another year! C:

Exactly...

2011-10-09T15:38:00.002+08:00

20 more days to my birthday! :D

Where Dem Girls At

2011-10-09T09:12:00.007+08:00

Yesterday I attended my lil' brother's paintball tournament. Quite a disappointment, didn't get to see him actually play... So me and happy pill decided to cam-whore instead.

08/10/11 - East Coast, Baby! :D

Quite empty when we got there...

Sudden freeze and peace yaw~

Can see right, SO EMPTY . . . not even a small crowd...

Had such a great day, thanks to the happy pill who always has time to spend with me! Sayang kau~ C:

Burst and Bubbles.

2011-09-10T11:05:00.002+08:00

Day 3 of Chicken Pox. It's super unbearable.

I can't wait till the "small, liquid-filled blisters break open and crust over". Apparently that will take about several days.

I can't wait to get this damn disease out of my system soon! I can't stand it!

The first to find another state of mind

2011-09-03T12:02:00.002+08:00

Malacca 2011 - Pat's Katong

September 2011 - we're almost at the end of the year. This year again, I think I failed to make myself a better person. It wasn't my resolution to start with, but the determination was on and off the whole year. :(

We have some serious shit politics at work, but I get along. I mean, I don't have any quarrels with Xuemei (my class laoshi), so it's all good. We are not on good buddy terms but at least we're talking and informing each other on a daily basis, which is more than I can say for some other classes. Oh well, hopefully I get another class again. I'm just not keen to start K2 with my bunch of little devils. Oh please let me take the Nursery level or K1!

Malacca was great but the bus trip was torture. Lucky I had some happy pills to sit with me! We gossiped and played Happy Family like nobody's business at the back of the bus! Food was so-so but you know, good company means everything's good. I can't imagine sitting next to a person who sleeps during the whole bus trip to and from Malacca, we're supposed to have some bonding session! Not sleep time!

Anyway, whatever...

I hope to fly off to another holiday soon. I so need a break! :D

Nobody's Perfect

2011-06-26T19:21:00.003+08:00

Hello everyone.

Suddenly 22 feels so old to me, yet I barely scratch the surface of my future, life, whichever.

I've been teaching forever, and it's getting on my nerves already. That one day finally came, the day I'd finally lose my patience. That moment wasn't so bad, not really. I mean, I kinda expected worse, since I'm a natural temper throwing monster. But hell, yes... I think I may have had enough of teaching. I think.

I don't have a social life at all, which would have meant my life is really over. But then again, these peaceful days whereby I don't foresee any social dramas and don't have to listen to never-ending social problems is really something to be grateful for. I barely have friends, not that I don't have any, but somehow my life doesn't seem to fit them or around them anymore. Those friends I used to have. Wow, memory killer much.

I mean, I have your numbers and emails but why bother when your enthusiasm is as fake as the LV bags some people are carrying around.

Did I foresee being such a cynical bitch in denial? Perhaps not, but here I am.

Fat hope, fat wish, fat me.

Right.

Gotta go, be back when I feel like it again.

Time Flies.

2011-05-23T22:27:00.000+08:00

Look at the date and time, exactly a year ago.

Private Scraps

2011-01-02T19:54:00.003+08:00

A few years ago, I really liked who I was. I was very confident, sometimes to the point of being cocky, I never doubted myself, I was very nice (: , I accepted and encouraged everyone I knew, I was idealistic, overly positive, trusting to a fault and lived a pretty much balanced life. Then I met him. I really don't want to whine because everyone gets screwed over sometimes, but being with him shattered a lot of my mental framework. I became hard on myself, and started pushing everyone away from me. I have much less patience now and I am borderline-rude much more than I'd like to be. Basically, I am the exact opposite of the person I was a few years ago. It's incredible to see just how far I've fallen and how much of a 180 degree turn I made.

2011, another year, another beginning.

Last year, around the same time, was when I really let myself go. I was truly lost and devastated over my break-up, and considering when I am now, today . . . there isn't much different, except this time, I'm grieving in pure silence.

I let myself go, and no one was there to witness it save for two kind souls [Bear & Rose] whom I hold a deep gratitude to. But even then with their help, I couldn't be half of the shadow I used to be . . . not even close.

2010, I was at my lowest point, but nobody knew because I carried on with the happy-go-lucky masquerade. Nobody knew, so no one rescued me from my own oblivion.

I picked up my own broken pieces through the months, with Bear and Rose guiding me . . . I literally forced myself to move on, even though a little of me was dying inside with each waking moment. The happy image portrayed outwardly didn't matched the dying hopes raging through my mind and heart.

I was badly broken, but I couldn't let anyone see it, even now.

Now . . . my only resolution, is to believe in myself again, and I know in my heart if I could take that step then I could sort the rest of it out much easier.

I want to return to myself, the Ernie I can be proud of.

That is all, I want to do.

Happy Birthday!

2010-10-29T11:25:00.002+08:00

Happy 22nd to me!

I'm turning older! :}

2010-09-15T23:30:00.002+08:00

Is there someone out there, who feels just like me?

I am unpredictable. I am stubborn. I will never apologise, even if it is my mistake. I don't take 'No' for an answer and I always get my way. Will you try to change me?

I am messed up. I cry alot and laugh too much. I can't keep quiet unless I'm tired. I swing my moods and I hope you know, I can't stay feeling the same way for more than a few minutes. Will you try to change me?

I scream when I'm angry. I shout when I'm happy. I flipping don't care if anyone hates me. I throw tantrums when I like, and if you still can't decide whether I'm wrong or right, just think.... Will you try to change me?

People try to change me but they realized they can't. I'm not a mistake, I'm not a fake, it's set in my DNA.

So, don't change me.

2010-09-14T10:38:00.003+08:00

This isn't goodbye. This is me forgetting you.

I know, what it feels, to be the last one who knew. To be the one getting the news from everyone BUT that person who should be telling you the truth.

I guess I'm never gonna be good enough for the truth.

I forgive you for the truth, I like you better when you lied.
I forgive you for being you, I like you better when you faked every smile.

2010-07-06T20:40:00.002+08:00

What the hell is pain ? Looking your family in the eyes yet never acknowledging they ever existed in your life?

What the hell is pain ? Knowing the one you supposedly love, keeps in contact with someone he's super emotionally attached to and not being able to do anything about it?

What the hell is pain ? Feeling the strained beating of your own heart while controlling your tears with the millions of thoughts gunning your brain down?

What the hell is pain ? Going to work pretending all of the above never happened, never happened at all?

So go ahead and judge me all you want, be jealous for all I care and butt in my life as much as you want... this is my life, and these are my choices.

You're not me, and you will never, even in your wildest imagination, ever be me.

2010-06-09T22:45:00.003+08:00

I'm being selfish?

You dumbfuck.

I always am.

2010-06-03T01:36:00.002+08:00

Because you might not know this... but it's times like this that makes me feel very vulnerable. & not a thing in this world that can make me feel as shitty as my very own diseased thoughts.

I was wondering who the hell I was talking to, and I realised... I wasn't talking to anyone, just merely having a conversation within my mind, back and forth, throwing faults and negative criticisms.

To myself.

That's probably how crazy I am. I just can't seem to connect to myself the way I should have, it's more like I'm operating a robot with a conscious mind.

An empty, smiling shell... but really, nobody's home.

& I feel like I don't have to blog, because just by reading Rose's blog I can relate... and bad memories are relived over and over again.

In fact, sometimes I go through my private blog just to see where I went spiralling down, but having to read every word I wrote, on a personal intimate level... To know I've been there already and done that and yet still caught up in the same mistakes I could have avoided, it just pains me.

A raw, sometimes physical, heart-wrenching stab to the heart, knifed through many times repeatedly.

Myself.

I am to blame for this tragedy I call MYSELF.

But I am the tragedy.

So where do I start and where do I end, to save my own life from... myself?

2010-05-23T10:27:00.002+08:00

This pain is only temporary, but I'm losing what's left of my dignity.