Private Scraps

A few years ago, I really liked who I was. I was very confident, sometimes to the point of being cocky, I never doubted myself, I was very nice (: , I accepted and encouraged everyone I knew, I was idealistic, overly positive, trusting to a fault and lived a pretty much balanced life. Then I met him. I really don't want to whine because everyone gets screwed over sometimes, but being with him shattered a lot of my mental framework. I became hard on myself, and started pushing everyone away from me. I have much less patience now and I am borderline-rude much more than I'd like to be. Basically, I am the exact opposite of the person I was a few years ago. It's incredible to see just how far I've fallen and how much of a 180 degree turn I made.

2011, another year, another beginning.

Last year, around the same time, was when I really let myself go. I was truly lost and devastated over my break-up, and considering when I am now, today . . . there isn't much different, except this time, I'm grieving in pure silence.

I let myself go, and no one was there to witness it save for two kind souls whom I hold a deep gratitude to. But even then with their help, I couldn't be half of the shadow I used to be . . . not even close.

2010, I was at my lowest point, but nobody knew because I carried on with the happy-go-lucky masquerade. Nobody knew, so no one rescued me from my own oblivion.

I picked up my own broken pieces through the months, I literally forced myself to move on, even though a little of me was dying inside with each waking moment. The happy image portrayed outwardly didn't matched the dying hopes raging through my mind and heart.

I was badly broken, but I couldn't let anyone see it, even now.

Now . . . my only resolution, is to believe in myself again, and I know in my heart if I could take that step then I could sort the rest of it out much easier.

I want to return to myself, the Ernie I can be proud of.

That is all, I want to do.

Happy Birthday!

Happy 22nd to me!

I'm turning older! :}

Is there someone out there, who feels just like me?

I am unpredictable. I am stubborn. I will never apologise, even if it is my mistake. I don't take 'No' for an answer and I always get my way. Will you try to change me?

I am messed up. I cry alot and laugh too much. I can't keep quiet unless I'm tired. I swing my moods and I hope you know, I can't stay feeling the same way for more than a few minutes. Will you try to change me?

I scream when I'm angry. I shout when I'm happy. I flipping don't care if anyone hates me. I throw tantrums when I like, and if you still can't decide whether I'm wrong or right, just think.... Will you try to change me?

People try to change me but they realized they can't. I'm not a mistake, I'm not a fake, it's set in my DNA.

So, don't change me.

This isn't goodbye. This is me forgetting you.

I know, what it feels, to be the last one who knew. To be the one getting the news from everyone BUT that person who should be telling you the truth.

I guess I'm never gonna be good enough for the truth.

I forgive you for the truth, I like you better when you lied.
I forgive you for being you, I like you better when you faked every smile.

What the hell is pain ? Looking your family in the eyes yet never acknowledging they ever existed in your life?

What the hell is pain ? Knowing the one you supposedly love, keeps in contact with someone he's super emotionally attached to and not being able to do anything about it?

What the hell is pain ? Feeling the strained beating of your own heart while controlling your tears with the millions of thoughts gunning your brain down?

What the hell is pain ? Going to work pretending all of the above never happened, never happened at all?

So go ahead and judge me all you want, be jealous for all I care and butt in my life as much as you want... this is my life, and these are my choices.

You're not me, and you will never, even in your wildest imagination, ever be me.

I'm being selfish?

You dumbfuck.

I always am.

Because you might not know this... but it's times like this that makes me feel very vulnerable. & not a thing in this world that can make me feel as shitty as my very own diseased thoughts.

I was wondering who the hell I was talking to, and I realised... I wasn't talking to anyone, just merely having a conversation within my mind, back and forth, throwing faults and negative criticisms.

To myself.

That's probably how crazy I am. I just can't seem to connect to myself the way I should have, it's more like I'm operating a robot with a conscious mind.

An empty, smiling shell... but really, nobody's home.

& I feel like I don't have to blog, because just by reading Rose's blog I can relate... and bad memories are relived over and over again.

In fact, sometimes I go through my private blog just to see where I went spiralling down, but having to read every word I wrote, on a personal intimate level... To know I've been there already and done that and yet still caught up in the same mistakes I could have avoided, it just pains me.

A raw, sometimes physical, heart-wrenching stab to the heart, knifed through many times repeatedly.

Myself.

I am to blame for this tragedy I call MYSELF.

But I am the tragedy.

So where do I start and where do I end, to save my own life from... myself?