A Moment To Reflect

I am taking a moment from my life to finally sit down and reflect on what has been happening in my life. I hate to reflect, really... because it would mean going back to old times, to reopen old wounds and relive bad memories. Things that I rather forget than to reflect on. But I have to remember now, because what happened then, in the past, has made me what I am today. And today, I am a deeply unhappy person.

My life is in a mess, honestly. A big mess, and with everything that has been going on around... I find it hard to pinpoint exactly what was it that had happened to me, that made my life went spiraling down this low. I am so unhappy, so very deeply unhappy, that I am refusing to get out of this rut I'm stuck in. And it's a first. I mean, I am at an all time low. Which is really no surprise, really... since I have felt that way before many time, dug my own grave, and rose from the dead like a phoenix each time. Honestly, nothing new at all.

But this time, though... I've been digging and digging and slowly burying myself in all the sadness and depression and self-pity... and refusing to allow myself to be happy. I don't get it. It's just not me.

So, I really have to dig into my memories and reflect... because I can't stay this way forever. I have to face my disappointment, above all and move on from there.

I know. I really know, it's damn fucking hard to accept changes. I try to accept all these changes and move on. I try. I guess my problem started with my ex five years ago, because before him... I don't think I had any problems.

F was a nice dude, he really was. I guess things started changing when he started becoming more possessive and jealous... and it lead to two years of a bloody abusive relationship. Thinking back, it was damn stupid of me, putting up with his nonsense. But when you're in it, I guess... love and fear have a good way of twisting your mind and paralyzing your need to ask for help. 

To me, F was not a horrible person. He was doting and he gave me almost anything that I had wanted. So I guess, it felt normal to be hit or slapped or pushed against the wall, whenever we were having huge arguments and things get out of control. It just felt normal, because I was used to it. And it felt normal to hide the bruises or make up excuses for it, because I didn't want it to be a big deal. We fight, we physically hurt each other, I have bruises, shut up and we move on. So that was normal to me. Can you believe it, two years?

Money was another issue, because F wasn't holding a stable job like me. So I practically supported this guy's expenses. And again, believe me, I thought it was normal. It never once occurred to me that he should be the one supporting me, that he should be the one paying for the expenses. Even when I had no money, I would just asked from my mum and yeah, she gave hell for that. Still giving me hell now for that actually. But my mum would give it to me anyway. Because, I don't know? She cared? I don't know.

I don't know what changed between us, because I know it was difficult for me to get out of that relationship. It took me forever and a day to convince myself to get the fuck out. I eventually did, thank goodness. But I guess the trigger that forced me to get out was, and yes it's going to sound downright absurd... I liked someone else.

Shoot me now!

Really, I liked this person, Z but I never felt good enough or worthy enough for him because he was different from F. I think the whole catalyst that helped in the following events which later ruined my life, was him. Because if I had never met him, I would have not felt inferior, and if I had not felt inferior, I would have not met my now husband. If I had not met my husband, my life would have been easier.

Reading back to what I just wrote, I honestly cannot believe that my whole life was ruined because of a guy. But shits happened. I don't mean to say Z literally ruined my life, because on a large part I only have myself to blame for all the bad decisions I made. I don't know why I never felt good enough for Z. I don't know why I never gave him a chance to understand me. I just felt he was too good for me, and he deserved to be with someone else. We spent months and months together and I just could not admit that I liked him very much and I just could not say that I wanted him to be mine.

Ego much. But I was broken because forcing myself to get over F was a hard task. I couldn't sleep at night, waiting and waiting for his texts and call, waiting for his apologies, waiting for him to change. I avoided Pasir Ris, Tampines, Bedok and all those places in the East because I just couldn't bear the familiarity, the memories I had in those places with F. I'm still avoiding those places now out of habit. It took me again, forever... to let go of my comfort zone. And when I did, of all people I had to end up with was... My husband, H.

I was having a hard time accepting Z and he was slowly but surely getting frustrated with me. I know because our calls and texts became less frequent. But he waited for me, damn that boy, he waited and waited for me to be ready and I had to let him down by choosing H over him. 

Why did I choose H even when I know he was not the right one for me? I guess circumstances pulled me away from Z and closer to H, in ways I would have never imagined. I did not like H then, I do not love him now. But because of circumstances again, I put up with H and because he became another comfort zone for me, another normalcy, another familiarity... I could not let that go. I was devastated when I broke up with F, I could not imagine, after three fucking years with H, how I will cope if I had to break up with him.

I don't want to write down all the things that H did to me, but in summary, he made me financially indebted to him and he made me suffered emotionally and mentally with his manipulative and hurtful verbal abuses. And I could only confirm he had an affair with circumstantial evidences.

So I guess the time between Z and H were the catalyst. The heartbroken-ness and the disappointment of not letting myself take the risk to be with some I really, really, really like at that time had such a huge effect on me. I made that ONE wrong decision and it became such a sore spot in my mind that was not erasable. The domino effects I made on my life by choosing H is so, so apparent in my life. Because from then on, everything just keeps getting worse and worse.

So today 14 July 2013, I am making that decision to end my marriage with H. I will have to force myself to get the fuck out, the way I did before and it's not going to be easy because this time I am not alone. I have Fayruz.

I don't know if I am that strong for both of us. I don't know if I am able to survive this divorce. I don't know how long my mental state will hold out for me. I don't know. I don't know if I'm even going to make it out alive this time. I don't know.

I can only hope that this time, I am not making a wrong decision again.

In Too Deep

"I cried for you each night and day, I wished upon a million stars we'd be okay. Those tears I cried in thoughtless pain... The tears that will hinder me from smiling ever again."

Praying for love and paying in naivety

Seems like I am getting more and more distant with him, no matter how I try...

God, why is it so hard?

What can I do, when the very best of me I've given is not enough to save our relationship? Plus the fact you're not even trying, dude. You're not, and it hurts me to know I'm clapping with just a hand, on my own again.

God, why are you doing this to me?

You can apologies a thousand times and make the same 'I won't do it again' promise a thousand times, but you still end up hurting me by doing the same old bullshit a million times more. There is no end to this cycle and I honestly want out. A divorce.

People may say I'm a heartless bitch, emotionless. I'm too exhausted to try and save a meaningless marriage. Mentally and emotionally exhausted. I don't know why I'm even trying. You're not.

I don't even want to play the blaming game, or point fingers anymore. I am at fault for letting you have your way and you are at fault for taking advantage. I don't wanna try no more, it's been a rough road for the last two years.

Your friends, your never-ending alcohol and being drunk, your pubs and clubs and hostesses, your hotels and drugs, your secret texts and calls, your insensitive ignoring of my needs, just everything about you screams divorce to me. I've put up with quite enough, don't you think? Another wife would have gone through depression or kill herself... Or the very least get a fucking divorce.

But I am no saint either. I am in the wrong as well, but I'm done trying to pick up the pieces you broke in us, in our relationship. Sighs.

I want a peace of mind and if it means getting a divorce, then yes please, I want a divorce.

Fayruz's First Month

Hello and Merry Christmas! Been quite awhile aye? I was so caught up with Fayruz, online games and movies that I literally feel like a busy and lazy Momma! Haa~

25/12/12 - Fayruz's already a month old today! Man, he grows up fast! I'd be missing much of his developments come February because I'll be going back to work. Sad. But oh well, life goes on. Photos update below :)

Mummy Puya came to visit!

Us @ Wendy's

Having a staycation at TWL this week. Nice to have many helping hands around but it's making me more and more lazy hor! Plus his routines gets a little different around here, so I'm feeling worried how it will be like when we go back home. But I'm sure we can manage, God willing.

Bila Daddy mandikan...

Going to my lil' nephew's birthday

Ariq's little party was okay, I didn't missed much. He's grown too, this favourite boy of mine! Look at his photos, so cheeky right?!

Si nenek and her 2 cucus

Dah setahun budak ni!

Si mentel bulat

And Fayruz is already a month old, and I just had to get sick... again! Forever and again! I hate this kind of cold and wet weather, honestly! Hubby is botak, by the way.

Fayruz

After reading TWO BOOKS on how to deal with married life and still reading another one, I feel more aware about what went wrong with our marriage. First year is definitely the damnest hardest, and if we don't set the foundation now, I'd suffer in silence until 'death do us part'... or a divorce. So I'm slowly trying to make things work, trying to respect my marriage and be a good wife. In the process, if my Hubby is reciprocative as well, then all the better for me.

But it's gonna take some time and a lot of hard work, and what with Fayruz and both our work schedules, it is definitely gonna be a difficult process for me. But for my sake, and for the sake of my child and my marriage, I'd do just about anything.

At least, until Hubby gives a good reason for a divorce. 

Till then, Marry Christmas and Happy Holidays, everyone!

Love On Top

It's exactly 11 days since I gave birth. Wow. It has been a wonderful and surreal experience to say the least. The pain was definitely out of this world and I'm glad I went through it, with epidural of course. 

Fayruz Marzuqi arrived at 9.43am on 25 November 2012. A Sagittarius baby. He would have been a Scorpio like me if he came a day earlier. Haha. Oh well, I FINALLY HAVE MY OWN DRAGON BABY IN MY ARMS. He's really mine, and for years I've been waiting for a baby Dragon and I thank God for giving me the chance to experience both pregnancy and childbirth. Alhamdulilah, Fayruz is a healthy and annoyingly bouncy baby boy.

2.698 kg

My lil' angel

The sweetest thing ever

Mummy and son

First check-up

Second check-up

Me looking haggard even with makeup

Because he is my lil' nephew

Haha the JEALOUS little nephew

Hubby and Fayruz

His smile

How not to love him?

Tembam

Like a boss

Alhamdulilah, everything is well with my baby boy. Wish I could say the same for my relationship with my husband... I mean, I guess we're both adjusting to parenthood and all. But there's just something missing. The spark has long gone, from my side, ever since that "Casanova" episode. My fault, my bad. I just don't know how to fix us any more.

Anyway, till more updates from me! :) Gotta go for my massage now!

Mix of fact and fantasy

Eyebags

Today marks my 37th week of pregnancy. We're almost there, love. We're almost there. There is something surreal in anticipating the arrival of my little prince. Like, I can't imagine it's actually happening. The wait is going to be over soon, in 21 days. Three weeks more, of anxious waiting and sleepless nights and BH contractions. In total honesty, I can't wait for this to be over. But I'm going to miss the privileges that came with the pregnancy.

I still have to endure two more weeks of work, before my maternity leave. Politics at work are getting out of hand, with five teachers resigning. I'm not surprised. Things have their way of fucking up even without the fucked-ups realising anything. I would be glad to be away for the time being, even though I'd be hard pressed at home with a baby and one big dysfunctional family.

This right here.

I never cared much about the newest technology, but if it comes in PINK, hell yes I want it. The iPod Touch comes in solid pink. Enough said. IT COMES IN PINK, FOR GOODNESS SAKE, SO I'M GOING TO BUY IT. Probably with my hubby's dough. Haha!

It's probably going to be on my wishlist for the time being, seeing that I have yet to get any baby stuffs for my little one. But I'd splurge, because it's pink. I want it that bad.

Anyway, I've been awarded the Long Service Award for my company. Like finally, I actually reached the 5 year benchmark in this line. Never though I'd get this far. Another milestone in my life. Quite happy, because I'd get cash, and that means I can actually buy my PINK iPod Touch. Okay, it's bordering on obsession already.

Supposed to collect my wig from Ly's but my dear husband has been breaking promises left and right when it comes to this. I have no idea why he refuses to go Bugis Street. It's collect and go. I won't even want to attempt to go window shopping in my condition. It's almost a month overdue. My poor wig, was supposed to put it on for the Dinner & Dance on 3rd November. It's been left stranded in Bugis when I got hospitalised. Until now. My darling wig, wait for me okay? I'll be picking you up soon.

The Last Hurdle

Does anybody realise how nerve-wrecking it can be to wait for a baby's arrival; especially if you're the Mom? Honestly, the longer I wait, the more nervous I really become.

I've been resting my sexy ass off for the last ten days and it has made me more paranoid and restless. Oh, the irony. The Braxton Hicks contractions are seriously not helping either, I'm going nuts about the pain. But because I'm a master of deluding myself away from pain, it helps that I'm not so panicky and the pain is bearable once I take it as a "mind over matter" thing. Should the real shit happens, oh my, that's another story altogether.

Tomorrow is 9 November 2012. In another month, my little one would be arriving. I have a month to physically and mentally prepare myself for what's to come. The pain, the joy, the everything. I'm definitely scared, scared the fuck out of my wits. Because this pain will be different, it won't be what I'd always had imagined in my mind, it will take me to a whole new level of discomfort and pain altogether. Which is why I'm scared.

Every movement my little F makes, every contractions my little tum makes, brings me closer to the end of this wonderful, torturous but definitely worth every moment, pregnant journey.

I'm really gonna miss the excitement each time me and Hubby go for his detailed scans, I still remembered how I teared listening to his heartbeat for the first time. I'm gonna miss the way he moves around in my tum, the kicks and punches and little responds when I talked or sang to him. I'm gonna miss the way he stubbornly pushes his way to the right side of my tum just because, and will not budge even if I tried to push him back to the middle. I'm really gonna miss all that.

But this is the last hurdle, the final lap. All of us are ready for you now, darling. Mummy and Daddy have been waiting so, so (im)patiently for you, my little prince. We really can't wait to see you!

On a side note, breastfeeding looks easy and simple, but I doubt it'd be so in my case. But for the sake of BIG BOOBIES, I'd do it. Haha!!! 

All we need is just a little patience.

Hello world. It's been such a hectic month, and I have so much to blog about but being pregnant is making me 100x lazier than usual. Hehs.

In the past week, so much happened that I don't even know where to start. But let's start from my birthday, shall we?

Twenty-nine October 2012, I finally turned 24. But instead of celebrating it, I was stuck at work with painful Braxton Hicks with my bratty class. We were at Raffles Hotel for our K2 Graduation concert rehearsal, but never mind that. I didn't celebrate, because I was down with flu and bad cough, and I was just too tired from the rehearsal. So whatever.

Thirty October 2012, I went for my routined appointment at KKH and headed to Bugis after that. Little did I expect that contractions would hit me right in the middle of a crowded shopping area. Contractions hit me in waves, and I could barely walked. Lucky my dearest Fauziah was with me, she urged me to go hospital. Since I was in pain and all panicky, she accompanied me there. Called Hubby and poor dude had to rush from work, because I was so dramatic and crying like a bitch on the phone. Hehe.

So I was hospitalised that night. Spend two nights and three days, bored outta my mind and constantly in pain. I thought for sure I was going to give birth on Halloween! But Baby Junior has other plans. Sheesh. 

So because I was under strict orders to REST from dearest Hubby, family, nurses and doctors, I could not go for my company's D&D. Boy, was I pissed! I threw tantrums and made life difficult for dear Hubby, because he wouldn't understand. Not at all. It would be my last year going as a so-called 'single' lady, before having my first child... but he was so adamant that no tears or tantrums moved him. It's not gonna be the same next year. It won't be. 

We had a huge family gathering for Omak's and Abang Mal's birthday instead at Hajah Maimunah's Restaurant. Food was mediocre and again I was in constant pain. Met Nadiah's BF for the first time, and he was telling me how scary it is to see me silently suffering in pain while my dearest Hubby happily stuffed his face with food. He's nice. Saw Alipo's GF too, her hair was awesome but her piercings were not. She's actually not as pretty as in FB. Okay, I'm just biased. I'm in love with my own face more than anything else. Haha.

And lastly, I wanna thank Mardiana the tallest most loveliest colleague, for her wonderfully nicely gift wrapped baby rompers for my little one. It was too cute!!! It was so small too, I can't imagine Baby fitting into it, but I'm super excited already!

Also Mummy Serene, my wonderful guardian angel... Thank you for ALL the baby stuffs. Everything was so complete, I don't think I need anything else! Maybe I'll indulge in a few clothings or three.

Well, that's about all I think. I'm still sick. Been two weeks already. Sighs. But at least I'm getting a long break from work. I'm just counting down to little Baby's arrival, which should be anytime soon.

Cupcakes, anyone? I'm craving.