The World You Left Behind

Just to be honest, I have never verbally admit to anyone the dreaded three letter words... yet. "I love you" would have meant something but I can never get my mouth, however talkative that  I am, to actually say it sincerely. In jest, perhaps, all the time. To make someone happy, maybe, sometimes. But I have never sincerely said it out loud before, not even to F, the so-called (ex) love of my existence.

Because sometimes, love isn't enough...

I am not gonna brag, but there will always be someone waiting for me. My ex-husband knew, all my exes should have known and those who don't, will eventually know.

Somehow down this road to finding a "serious relationship', I found that caring about people won't get me anywhere.

Trust me. I know what it feels like to be destroyed. I know what it feels like to be heartbroken. I rarely show it, I seldom cry about it, but I know the feeling.

To know what it feels like to be rejected and humiliated, to feel your heart ripped open because you finally took a chance on that relationship and it wound up confirming all your worst fears, that you're worthless and not worth caring about.

I know.

It makes me wonder if I'll ever be good enough for anybody, for someone at least. Wonder if my next relationship will turn out better than the last. Wonder if I am able to utter those dreaded words sincerely.

You see, my heart is somewhere else... and it's a pain I'm trying to keep hidden. I've love and lost and love again and lost again, countless times. It's something I've learnt to deal with. People do actually come and go. But you can't just replace someone you care about with some other random person.

It's not easy, this "serious relationship". Trust and compromise - the things I barely capable of. No amount of effort would ever make a difference. Because eventually, he will leave me.

I don't know. I like him, he is a comfort zone. And I hate comfort zones. It's hard to decide if I should just give up on him or wait and see what happens.

Famous last words - if it happens, it happens.

So I'm hoping it will happen soon. Will it? I don't know. I don't even dare to hope, because he seems to be doing alright without me.

Sighs. I guess, I will continue to play the waiting game. Till then.