Water Fun & Arcade Time

Hello again.

It's only been my second day of work and I feel overloaded with basically just... WORK. Haha.

It's very intense being "in charge" of some minor areas at work and I'm not even at principal level yet. Intense; and I'm already quite close to giving up. But as always, I must persevere and see what areas I need to personally improve on. This change was what I had wanted, to see if I have leadership skills. 

Future principal, maybe, baby.

Hehs.

Anyway, I got my hair done and I realised that it's just way too long for me! Rimas hor! It's actually an acceptable length lah but I don't know why I feel it's too "in my face" with the curls (though I seriously love it)  and the fringe... High maintenance gitu if I want to keep hair this long... I honestly don't know how other girls still look gorgeous in this line of work but I'm just way too lazy to maintain beauty and style.

Ok done complaining about my hair.

I had fun with Fayruz today; went to the kids water playground at SSC and we even had time to play arcade.

Happy boy.

Water fun.

Enjoying seh...

Macam paham! 

Lol¬

We spent a good worth of $4 (LOL! Cheapskate mummy!) in that arcade. It's nice just spending one to one time with each other with no tantrums and nonsense. 

I love you, Fayruz Marzuqi.

Tomorrow another new day at work. Sighs. Hope I can manage... I think I'm growing weary of this line already.

Good night.

Goodbye SW, Hello Berry Tree!

And so, today was officially my last day in SW preschool. So gonna take this opportunity to express my grateful regards to all my ex-colleagues. I enjoyed working with you all! And I'm really gonna miss our lunch breaks and principal's "nagging"... Haha.

Adora Green's Team

Haha, will miss you all,

Pierre Cardin's metallic black bag.

Thank you for all the gift(s) and encouragement! I am really going to miss this ladies!

But insya Allah, I am moving forward with my career and hopefully I am able to face the new challenges ahead! Jiayou!

Happy moment today; as always I try to include one per week since daily I can't seem to actually find time to blog...

My first ever pedicure session with BFF! Woo Hoo! 😂

A stranger said our faces almost look alike.

Pretty in pink.

Haha! Pink again? I know right... But these are from the Hello Kitty collection! I just cannotttttt! Hehe...

Another good catch-up session with BFF, and though she has her own commitments as well, I'm glad we could meet up and catch up.

Older and older by day....

As for me, I've actually let myself go quite far this time. 60kg is actually no joke and though I still look "small"... I really feel fat and ugly. But because I'm honestly busy with work and Fayruz all the time, I just couldn't be bothered to take care of myself. I barely wear makeup now and if you ask me, it's really a hassle. Haha! I do want to look pretty and confident but I just can't find that motivation anymore.

Seriously.

I am that terrible.

What am I going to do about myself, oh goodness? I really don't know.

Maybe I can try but seriously...

Haha.

Well, until then if I ever get the motivation to do something about myself... Maybe I'll blog it down here.

Maybe. Haha!

Popeyes & Kiyo

Met BFF after quite a long time due to our conflicting personal and work schedules. It's funny how we both can still make so much noise and share so much stories despite being "separated" for some time.

BFF & me @ AMK Hub.

Haha! As usual we both would grumble about our body and all the relationship problems and nonsense.

I gotta change this blog layout soon. I don't see any apparent layout or changes when I'm using my mobile blogger app but I think if I used my laptop, it looks terrible right? Hah!

Whatever anyways.

Saw some old videos of Fayruz when he was a baby... Miss those little little sweet memories. He's sucha big boy now. But still my baby. Haha! 

Still upset with mi amor but then again, whatever lah. I'm still going on my weekend getaway with or without you! Hmph! 

Anyway, it's my last day at SW tomorrow. Scary. But they will survive without me. And I have to prepare myself for another new environment soon. Best of luck to me, insya Allah amiin!

Till then, good night.

Grocery Shopping

Today I spent a day with mi amor in JB. We ate $106 worth of seafood (in ringgit Malaysia of course) and brought some baby essentials for Fayruz.

I think I'd have left this blog unattended but apparently there's an app for it, so I can actually blog any time of the day. Or night. Obviously. 

So hello 2016! This year is another year and one of my goals is to really lose the fats around my belly and everywhere else on my body. Really. Really really. I'm not joking. I gotta work on it even if it kills me. Mi amor is too kind, letting me "let loose" and not caring about how I look and stuff... But this is for me. I need to look good for myself and I've let myself gone way too far this time.

Other than that? Fulfil my responsibilities as a mum and a teacher, as well. Sighs. I wanna quit the Early Childhood line but I have no one else to go. 

I'll probably update this blog more often now then I've gotten the app. More for reflections and stuff. Not to update anyone about how I'm doing or what I'm wearing or where I'm traveling next. More to remind myself there can be happy stuffs and I need to blog about it so that I can come back and read it when I'm feeling depressed.

So today's happy moment is me spending time with mi amor and how gracious he was in sending me to Marsiling to collect my mum's stuff. Any other guy would have grumbled but babylove has been so kind to send me there and back despite feeling tired. Believe me, I was also shagged! And just from a day of grocery shopping! 🙄

I'm also happy that Fayruz is slowly acknowledging mi amor and that he is okay with "Uncle vroom vroom" haha! He will ask me things about mi amor or ask me where Uncle vroom vroom is, which is a good sign. If ever we have the jodoh to get married, Fayruz opening up to mi amor is a good thing. I hope it lasts. Insya Allah. Kalau jodoh, tak ke mane...

Alright, till next time :) Good night!

I Feel Freedom

I feel free. I feel freedom...

Hello March. It's a long awaited moment, but it's finally here. No more status quo; I am free. Two years in the making. It took that long, but the wait was worth it, I guess.

Feels like a super heavy weight being lifted off my shoulders, and it's quite overwhelming. I don't know if I should cry or celebrate.

But one thing is for sure. 18 March is a significant day for me. I can slowly build back pieces of my life with baby boy Fayruz... and mi amor.

"I like to look back, back to when you broke my heart at certain overwhelming points of my life. I like to look back and think that if I got through that much pain, I can get through anything."

It's over. We're over and I don't have to think or worry anymore about what you said, did or will say or do. I can live my own life now. I can get through anything.

So, God willing, that last page turned is a perfect excuse to write a whole new book.

It's humbling to start fresh. It takes a lot of courage. But I... I can do it.

Keep Breathing.

Once more, I say goodbye to you... Things happen but we don't really know why. Your decision, to end our relationship may be the wisest thing you could have done for me. Maybe. 

Now, it's like my mind is refreshing my heart of how I felt so broken, so crippled and paralyzed... that I can almost hear myself reciting my own rules. I swore never to cry over a boy again. But here I go. Again. I thought it wasn't possible to feel this much pain. Again. The old wounds, reopening, again and again and again and again.

I never wanted to cry, but it's not possible to stop these tears from falling. Our hearts were in the right places, but I chose the wrong time, the wrong place to let him know the truth. My fault. I chose to let him know instead of him finding it out some random way or another, My fault. I chose to agree to end our relationship. Again, my fault.

I never want to hold my HP again. I never want to see him again. I hate him, I do, I do, I do. The words of my broken heart. I can't see past my tears, and I know it will be a few days or weeks or maybe months for me to get over this. 

The past one year with you has been memorable. I will miss you, terribly.

I love him, I do, I do, I really do. Never in a thousand years would I have expected him to end our relationship because I was being honest. Yes, I understand why things had to happen this way. I understand his reason for causing me pain. But mere understanding does not chase away the hurt.

I really love him. Perhaps that's why it had to hurt this bad. I will hate the places we went, the things we did, I will hate the next guy who tries, I will hate everything. The breakup was so sudden, unexpected. He has every right to be angry with me, as I have every right to to wonder why. Why was there no second chances? Why did he choose to do this? Why, baby? I really love you, I do.

But the absolute worst would be when people asked if I was okay. Because then I had to admit that it was real, it happened, and we weren't together anymore. Unexpected. I never stood a chance in making my heart a safety net, a wall before he hit me with the breakup. Crippled. Paralyzed. Quite overwhelmed with emotions and tears. Literally can't breathe and I don't know what else.

The sweetest part of being a couple is sharing your life with someone else. But my life, evidently, had not been good enough to share.

First 2014 Update

And in this crazy life... and through these crazy times...

Hello.

It is 2014; almost a year from my last post. I miss blogging, I miss writing... I miss ranting about everything and anything. But that's alright. I can always start anew.

What happened, Ernie? Yeah. What happened? I'm still trying to figure that out myself. A lot has changed, hasn't it? I'm not that happy innocent little girl anymore. As much as I'd like to believe nothing has changed, I have to face reality.

It's not easy being super-woman. I'd gladly give up everything just to have my life the way it was before I met my ex-husband. Gladly. But because I have my little boy, my baby, my life, my muse, my everything... Fayruz, you're mummy's everything and I'm glad I did not give up on life, as I'd done so if I was younger.

I love you, son.

My dragon baby is now 1 year and 10 months, and in barely two months it will be his second birthday. Time really flies. This boy is the breath of my lungs and the beat of my heart. He has grown up with so much pain, so many tears but we both stand strong despite it all. Your father may not always be around, boy. But please know that Mummy is here, will always be here for you and Mummy loves you very much. You have me. You have the Yishun Family and you have the Teck Whye Family. Always remember you're not alone. You have all of us.

I'm still coping with the process, pains and trials of my divorce, and it's something I never shared with everyone. It is a very, very, very long process and only God above knows how much of a mental and emotional rollercoaster I have been going through in the last few years. Deep down, I knew my marriage will never work, it wouldn't have last for all the blessings and prayers and miracles in the world. But I still smile, because my problems are not your burdens to bear.

  

 I will always find it difficult to share my problems, because behind the scenes of my life... everything was crumbling, everyone was either leaving or condescending, nobody was helping and I was alone. But I always put up a happy front - it has always been an innate response to everything that was negative in my life, so that my family and close friends won't worry too much about me. I know they all are still quietly worrying only because I haven't open up as yet. I just find it easier to deal with problems when I am silent and no one gets involved.

It's almost 3am. I better go to sleep.