I Feel Freedom

I feel free. I feel freedom...

Hello March. It's a long awaited moment, but it's finally here. No more status quo; I am free. Two years in the making. It took that long, but the wait was worth it, I guess.

Feels like a super heavy weight being lifted off my shoulders, and it's quite overwhelming. I don't know if I should cry or celebrate.

But one thing is for sure. 18 March is a significant day for me. I can slowly build back pieces of my life with baby boy Fayruz... and mi amor.

"I like to look back, back to when you broke my heart at certain overwhelming points of my life. I like to look back and think that if I got through that much pain, I can get through anything."

It's over. We're over and I don't have to think or worry anymore about what you said, did or will say or do. I can live my own life now. I can get through anything.

So, God willing, that last page turned is a perfect excuse to write a whole new book.

It's humbling to start fresh. It takes a lot of courage. But I... I can do it.

Keep Breathing.

Once more, I say goodbye to you... Things happen but we don't really know why. Your decision, to end our relationship may be the wisest thing you could have done for me. Maybe. 

Now, it's like my mind is refreshing my heart of how I felt so broken, so crippled and paralyzed... that I can almost hear myself reciting my own rules. I swore never to cry over a boy again. But here I go. Again. I thought it wasn't possible to feel this much pain. Again. The old wounds, reopening, again and again and again and again.

I never wanted to cry, but it's not possible to stop these tears from falling. Our hearts were in the right places, but I chose the wrong time, the wrong place to let him know the truth. My fault. I chose to let him know instead of him finding it out some random way or another, My fault. I chose to agree to end our relationship. Again, my fault.

I never want to hold my HP again. I never want to see him again. I hate him, I do, I do, I do. The words of my broken heart. I can't see past my tears, and I know it will be a few days or weeks or maybe months for me to get over this. 

The past one year with you has been memorable. I will miss you, terribly.

I love him, I do, I do, I really do. Never in a thousand years would I have expected him to end our relationship because I was being honest. Yes, I understand why things had to happen this way. I understand his reason for causing me pain. But mere understanding does not chase away the hurt.

I really love him. Perhaps that's why it had to hurt this bad. I will hate the places we went, the things we did, I will hate the next guy who tries, I will hate everything. The breakup was so sudden, unexpected. He has every right to be angry with me, as I have every right to to wonder why. Why was there no second chances? Why did he choose to do this? Why, baby? I really love you, I do.

But the absolute worst would be when people asked if I was okay. Because then I had to admit that it was real, it happened, and we weren't together anymore. Unexpected. I never stood a chance in making my heart a safety net, a wall before he hit me with the breakup. Crippled. Paralyzed. Quite overwhelmed with emotions and tears. Literally can't breathe and I don't know what else.

The sweetest part of being a couple is sharing your life with someone else. But my life, evidently, had not been good enough to share.

First 2014 Update

And in this crazy life... and through these crazy times...

Hello.

It is 2014; almost a year from my last post. I miss blogging, I miss writing... I miss ranting about everything and anything. But that's alright. I can always start anew.

What happened, Ernie? Yeah. What happened? I'm still trying to figure that out myself. A lot has changed, hasn't it? I'm not that happy innocent little girl anymore. As much as I'd like to believe nothing has changed, I have to face reality.

It's not easy being super-woman. I'd gladly give up everything just to have my life the way it was before I met my ex-husband. Gladly. But because I have my little boy, my baby, my life, my muse, my everything... Fayruz, you're mummy's everything and I'm glad I did not give up on life, as I'd done so if I was younger.

I love you, son.

My dragon baby is now 1 year and 10 months, and in barely two months it will be his second birthday. Time really flies. This boy is the breath of my lungs and the beat of my heart. He has grown up with so much pain, so many tears but we both stand strong despite it all. Your father may not always be around, boy. But please know that Mummy is here, will always be here for you and Mummy loves you very much. You have me. You have the Yishun Family and you have the Teck Whye Family. Always remember you're not alone. You have all of us.

I'm still coping with the process, pains and trials of my divorce, and it's something I never shared with everyone. It is a very, very, very long process and only God above knows how much of a mental and emotional rollercoaster I have been going through in the last few years. Deep down, I knew my marriage will never work, it wouldn't have last for all the blessings and prayers and miracles in the world. But I still smile, because my problems are not your burdens to bear.

  

 I will always find it difficult to share my problems, because behind the scenes of my life... everything was crumbling, everyone was either leaving or condescending, nobody was helping and I was alone. But I always put up a happy front - it has always been an innate response to everything that was negative in my life, so that my family and close friends won't worry too much about me. I know they all are still quietly worrying only because I haven't open up as yet. I just find it easier to deal with problems when I am silent and no one gets involved.

It's almost 3am. I better go to sleep.

And as the sunlight burns the sky

You're the strength I need to fight. You're the reason I still try.

I have a lot of things on my mind. A lot. Which again, for reasons personal or private, I find it difficult to share with anyone, not even to mi amor or my best-est, closest friend.

Ha ha.

I'm my own hero, I find. I have to do everything on my own, find solutions to problems on my own, look for information on my own etc... Alone - I find it true, that Scorpios are perfectly suited to being on their own.

Yes, it gets lonely actually. I crave for intimacy, for love, for everything I could not find or get in my marriage with my soon to be ex-husband. He is annoying, missing in action when I really need him the most. Well, I need him for Fayruz's purposes, mostly. I don't miss him at all.

It's my birthday week and turning 25 seems so 'scary'. Wasn't it like ten years ago, I was dreaming of this day to come, living in my HDB palace with my king and little prince or princess? And you know something, I'm afraid to be happy. I'm so afraid to be in joy and just be profoundly happy. It's frightening. Because they only let you be happy if they're taking something away from you. I look at Fayruz, I look at mi amor. They make me so happy and I'm so, so afraid to lose them. It's really frightening.

But bless mi amor, for being there and giving me support. I am truly given a chance and the hope that I can start over, a new life... with someone who will be there unconditionally.

I know I have my fears, however silly and well hidden, which will caused me to have doubts and insecurities that could cost me another good relationship. But I'm willing to give myself this one shot, this chance to redeem myself.

So far, I have been doing the things I wanted - mostly all my short term goals that I could have achieved easily if my ex-husband had been financially and emotionally supporting me. But gonna put that behind me, because I have achieved a few things I could only dream about for the last 5 years, and on my own, with my own efforts and of course, my own money.

I have done it, and I'm never gonna let anything pull me down or discourage me just because some of my dreams seemed impossible. Of course, intermittently there will be setbacks and obstacles and failures. But I'm still learning to be strong, be flexible, to love myself and to always keep moving forward. And annoyingly corny as it sounds - slow and steady wins the race.

Doesn't matter how slow I go, as long as I don't stop.

I'll get there eventually.

And I believe that, personal growth is a slow and steady process. It can't be rushed. One step at a time. I'm just gonna have to learn to be patient with myself.

To trust myself as well and know that, it's never too late to become what I might have been.

The World You Left Behind

Just to be honest, I have never verbally admit to anyone the dreaded three letter words... yet. "I love you" would have meant something but I can never get my mouth, however talkative that  I am, to actually say it sincerely. In jest, perhaps, all the time. To make someone happy, maybe, sometimes. But I have never sincerely said it out loud before, not even to F, the so-called (ex) love of my existence.

Because sometimes, love isn't enough...

I am not gonna brag, but there will always be someone waiting for me. My ex-husband knew, all my exes should have known and those who don't, will eventually know.

Somehow down this road to finding a "serious relationship', I found that caring about people won't get me anywhere.

Trust me. I know what it feels like to be destroyed. I know what it feels like to be heartbroken. I rarely show it, I seldom cry about it, but I know the feeling.

To know what it feels like to be rejected and humiliated, to feel your heart ripped open because you finally took a chance on that relationship and it wound up confirming all your worst fears, that you're worthless and not worth caring about.

I know.

It makes me wonder if I'll ever be good enough for anybody, for someone at least. Wonder if my next relationship will turn out better than the last. Wonder if I am able to utter those dreaded words sincerely.

You see, my heart is somewhere else... and it's a pain I'm trying to keep hidden. I've love and lost and love again and lost again, countless times. It's something I've learnt to deal with. People do actually come and go. But you can't just replace someone you care about with some other random person.

It's not easy, this "serious relationship". Trust and compromise - the things I barely capable of. No amount of effort would ever make a difference. Because eventually, he will leave me.

I don't know. I like him, he is a comfort zone. And I hate comfort zones. It's hard to decide if I should just give up on him or wait and see what happens.

Famous last words - if it happens, it happens.

So I'm hoping it will happen soon. Will it? I don't know. I don't even dare to hope, because he seems to be doing alright without me.

Sighs. I guess, I will continue to play the waiting game. Till then.

A Moment To Reflect

I am taking a moment from my life to finally sit down and reflect on what has been happening in my life. I hate to reflect, really... because it would mean going back to old times, to reopen old wounds and relive bad memories. Things that I rather forget than to reflect on. But I have to remember now, because what happened then, in the past, has made me what I am today. And today, I am a deeply unhappy person.

My life is in a mess, honestly. A big mess, and with everything that has been going on around... I find it hard to pinpoint exactly what was it that had happened to me, that made my life went spiraling down this low. I am so unhappy, so very deeply unhappy, that I am refusing to get out of this rut I'm stuck in. And it's a first. I mean, I am at an all time low. Which is really no surprise, really... since I have felt that way before many time, dug my own grave, and rose from the dead like a phoenix each time. Honestly, nothing new at all.

But this time, though... I've been digging and digging and slowly burying myself in all the sadness and depression and self-pity... and refusing to allow myself to be happy. I don't get it. It's just not me.

So, I really have to dig into my memories and reflect... because I can't stay this way forever. I have to face my disappointment, above all and move on from there.

I know. I really know, it's damn fucking hard to accept changes. I try to accept all these changes and move on. I try. I guess my problem started with my ex five years ago, because before him... I don't think I had any problems.

F was a nice dude, he really was. I guess things started changing when he started becoming more possessive and jealous... and it lead to two years of a bloody abusive relationship. Thinking back, it was damn stupid of me, putting up with his nonsense. But when you're in it, I guess... love and fear have a good way of twisting your mind and paralyzing your need to ask for help. 

To me, F was not a horrible person. He was doting and he gave me almost anything that I had wanted. So I guess, it felt normal to be hit or slapped or pushed against the wall, whenever we were having huge arguments and things get out of control. It just felt normal, because I was used to it. And it felt normal to hide the bruises or make up excuses for it, because I didn't want it to be a big deal. We fight, we physically hurt each other, I have bruises, shut up and we move on. So that was normal to me. Can you believe it, two years?

Money was another issue, because F wasn't holding a stable job like me. So I practically supported this guy's expenses. And again, believe me, I thought it was normal. It never once occurred to me that he should be the one supporting me, that he should be the one paying for the expenses. Even when I had no money, I would just asked from my mum and yeah, she gave hell for that. Still giving me hell now for that actually. But my mum would give it to me anyway. Because, I don't know? She cared? I don't know.

I don't know what changed between us, because I know it was difficult for me to get out of that relationship. It took me forever and a day to convince myself to get the fuck out. I eventually did, thank goodness. But I guess the trigger that forced me to get out was, and yes it's going to sound downright absurd... I liked someone else.

Shoot me now!

Really, I liked this person, Z but I never felt good enough or worthy enough for him because he was different from F. I think the whole catalyst that helped in the following events which later ruined my life, was him. Because if I had never met him, I would have not felt inferior, and if I had not felt inferior, I would have not met my now husband. If I had not met my husband, my life would have been easier.

Reading back to what I just wrote, I honestly cannot believe that my whole life was ruined because of a guy. But shits happened. I don't mean to say Z literally ruined my life, because on a large part I only have myself to blame for all the bad decisions I made. I don't know why I never felt good enough for Z. I don't know why I never gave him a chance to understand me. I just felt he was too good for me, and he deserved to be with someone else. We spent months and months together and I just could not admit that I liked him very much and I just could not say that I wanted him to be mine.

Ego much. But I was broken because forcing myself to get over F was a hard task. I couldn't sleep at night, waiting and waiting for his texts and call, waiting for his apologies, waiting for him to change. I avoided Pasir Ris, Tampines, Bedok and all those places in the East because I just couldn't bear the familiarity, the memories I had in those places with F. I'm still avoiding those places now out of habit. It took me again, forever... to let go of my comfort zone. And when I did, of all people I had to end up with was... My husband, H.

I was having a hard time accepting Z and he was slowly but surely getting frustrated with me. I know because our calls and texts became less frequent. But he waited for me, damn that boy, he waited and waited for me to be ready and I had to let him down by choosing H over him. 

Why did I choose H even when I know he was not the right one for me? I guess circumstances pulled me away from Z and closer to H, in ways I would have never imagined. I did not like H then, I do not love him now. But because of circumstances again, I put up with H and because he became another comfort zone for me, another normalcy, another familiarity... I could not let that go. I was devastated when I broke up with F, I could not imagine, after three fucking years with H, how I will cope if I had to break up with him.

I don't want to write down all the things that H did to me, but in summary, he made me financially indebted to him and he made me suffered emotionally and mentally with his manipulative and hurtful verbal abuses. And I could only confirm he had an affair with circumstantial evidences.

So I guess the time between Z and H were the catalyst. The heartbroken-ness and the disappointment of not letting myself take the risk to be with some I really, really, really like at that time had such a huge effect on me. I made that ONE wrong decision and it became such a sore spot in my mind that was not erasable. The domino effects I made on my life by choosing H is so, so apparent in my life. Because from then on, everything just keeps getting worse and worse.

So today 14 July 2013, I am making that decision to end my marriage with H. I will have to force myself to get the fuck out, the way I did before and it's not going to be easy because this time I am not alone. I have Fayruz.

I don't know if I am that strong for both of us. I don't know if I am able to survive this divorce. I don't know how long my mental state will hold out for me. I don't know. I don't know if I'm even going to make it out alive this time. I don't know.

I can only hope that this time, I am not making a wrong decision again.

In Too Deep

"I cried for you each night and day, I wished upon a million stars we'd be okay. Those tears I cried in thoughtless pain... The tears that will hinder me from smiling ever again."

Praying for love and paying in naivety

Seems like I am getting more and more distant with him, no matter how I try...

God, why is it so hard?

What can I do, when the very best of me I've given is not enough to save our relationship? Plus the fact you're not even trying, dude. You're not, and it hurts me to know I'm clapping with just a hand, on my own again.

God, why are you doing this to me?

You can apologies a thousand times and make the same 'I won't do it again' promise a thousand times, but you still end up hurting me by doing the same old bullshit a million times more. There is no end to this cycle and I honestly want out. A divorce.

People may say I'm a heartless bitch, emotionless. I'm too exhausted to try and save a meaningless marriage. Mentally and emotionally exhausted. I don't know why I'm even trying. You're not.

I don't even want to play the blaming game, or point fingers anymore. I am at fault for letting you have your way and you are at fault for taking advantage. I don't wanna try no more, it's been a rough road for the last two years.

Your friends, your never-ending alcohol and being drunk, your pubs and clubs and hostesses, your hotels and drugs, your secret texts and calls, your insensitive ignoring of my needs, just everything about you screams divorce to me. I've put up with quite enough, don't you think? Another wife would have gone through depression or kill herself... Or the very least get a fucking divorce.

But I am no saint either. I am in the wrong as well, but I'm done trying to pick up the pieces you broke in us, in our relationship. Sighs.

I want a peace of mind and if it means getting a divorce, then yes please, I want a divorce.