Happy Birthday!

Happy 22nd to me!

I'm turning older! :}

Is there someone out there, who feels just like me?

I am unpredictable. I am stubborn. I will never apologise, even if it is my mistake. I don't take 'No' for an answer and I always get my way. Will you try to change me?

I am messed up. I cry alot and laugh too much. I can't keep quiet unless I'm tired. I swing my moods and I hope you know, I can't stay feeling the same way for more than a few minutes. Will you try to change me?

I scream when I'm angry. I shout when I'm happy. I flipping don't care if anyone hates me. I throw tantrums when I like, and if you still can't decide whether I'm wrong or right, just think.... Will you try to change me?

People try to change me but they realized they can't. I'm not a mistake, I'm not a fake, it's set in my DNA.

So, don't change me.

This isn't goodbye. This is me forgetting you.

I know, what it feels, to be the last one who knew. To be the one getting the news from everyone BUT that person who should be telling you the truth.

I guess I'm never gonna be good enough for the truth.

I forgive you for the truth, I like you better when you lied.
I forgive you for being you, I like you better when you faked every smile.

What the hell is pain ? Looking your family in the eyes yet never acknowledging they ever existed in your life?

What the hell is pain ? Knowing the one you supposedly love, keeps in contact with someone he's super emotionally attached to and not being able to do anything about it?

What the hell is pain ? Feeling the strained beating of your own heart while controlling your tears with the millions of thoughts gunning your brain down?

What the hell is pain ? Going to work pretending all of the above never happened, never happened at all?

So go ahead and judge me all you want, be jealous for all I care and butt in my life as much as you want... this is my life, and these are my choices.

You're not me, and you will never, even in your wildest imagination, ever be me.

I'm being selfish?

You dumbfuck.

I always am.

Because you might not know this... but it's times like this that makes me feel very vulnerable. & not a thing in this world that can make me feel as shitty as my very own diseased thoughts.

I was wondering who the hell I was talking to, and I realised... I wasn't talking to anyone, just merely having a conversation within my mind, back and forth, throwing faults and negative criticisms.

To myself.

That's probably how crazy I am. I just can't seem to connect to myself the way I should have, it's more like I'm operating a robot with a conscious mind.

An empty, smiling shell... but really, nobody's home.

& I feel like I don't have to blog, because just by reading Rose's blog I can relate... and bad memories are relived over and over again.

In fact, sometimes I go through my private blog just to see where I went spiralling down, but having to read every word I wrote, on a personal intimate level... To know I've been there already and done that and yet still caught up in the same mistakes I could have avoided, it just pains me.

A raw, sometimes physical, heart-wrenching stab to the heart, knifed through many times repeatedly.

Myself.

I am to blame for this tragedy I call MYSELF.

But I am the tragedy.

So where do I start and where do I end, to save my own life from... myself?

This pain is only temporary, but I'm losing what's left of my dignity.