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thinking out loud

All my life,
One page at a time
I'll show you my-my true colours

No, I won't apologize
For the fire in my eyes
Let me show you my-my true colours.

It ain't no rainbow

♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥


A Determined Effort Under Difficulties.
☮ Sunday, June 11, 2017
☮ 3:15 PM


Slowly but surely...


Good morning lovely Sunday, It has been quite a week, being unoccupied at home. Like seriously? I had wanted to be a SAHM for the longest time ever, but when it really came down to it... I'm literally bored to tears.

I mean, yes I can wake up late. Yes I can sleep all day. Yes I can watch TV and play games and go shopping and literally just do whatever the fxck I want... BUT! It's driving me redundant.


Supershitmodel me.


On a side note, I thought to myself that since I have THAT MUCH TIME in my hands, I might as well be active on social media. You know, be the next Xiaxue... BUT! I don't see the point in wearing makeup and dolling up every single day; because let's face it... I have LESS THAN 20 followers on social media. I'm not even a quarter as popular as my own younger brother who post all kind of shit and still manage to get 1000 likes. Exaggeration much. Haha, so whatever yeah...

Plus I'm not even endorsing anything. Come on, sponsor me clothes and makeup please!!! Or food?! I enjoying eating food, you know? Lol~

But I guess blogging is going to be made expendable, since not many people have the time to sit down and blog. Plus social media apps make it so, so easy to update anywhere and anytime. Which is great and all, but being a teacher and unofficial grammar police... and I see myself as a writer, I still prefer the traditional pen to paper stuff. Or using my computer, preferably... because I can change fonts and edit pictures and stuffs. Lol~

But back to my boring life, I actually have great news with regards to my career. For two weeks, I had been contemplating between administrative work and other stuff... and then, BOOM! I was offered a golden opportunity that I couldn't refuse. It's not every day the CEO herself calls you to offer a job yo. *insert smug face*


***10 minutes interlude***


Okay I had to stop blogging for awhile because my baby came back home swinging a box of cake for me to eat just now... and now he's making "cake" in one corner of the room. Even though my nose is blocked but I can still smell the wonderful fragrance of his homemade "cake". #perangaisol

My gosh.

Anyway back to *smug face* moment,  my previous job left a bad taste in my mouth... so I actually was jobless for the past two weeks. Still am, actually. But I decided to use this time to take a real break. At the same time I also sent out my resumes mostly for Admin Officer vacancy. The sad thing was, no one wanted to employ me! Too overqualified, we cannot pay you that much, why don't you try teaching roles instead etc etc etc...

So I was stuck, actually. I don't want to go back to teaching but at the same time I don't have the skills or qualifications for HR/administration line of work. Joke much siah dekni. So how like that? Of course with such limited qualifications but remarkable experiences and accomplishments, I started to look for teaching jobs NEARBY my house. Reason being traffic and distance won't even be an issue hehs (and because aku memang pemalas lah nak travel jauh2).

And do you believe it, there was no lack of childcare centres and kindergartens in the area, it was like Pokemon GO in the sense that I'm searching for jobs instead of Pokemon! Haha, so I enthusiastically sent out my resume to the different CCCs yesterday and praying to God that I may hear from one of them soon next week.

However the best part is... in less than 3 hours, I received a call from the CEO of one of the nearby CCC and I was literally over the moon, because number 1) she offered me a job and number 2) she remembered me from my very first workplace! My gosh! Blessings from God above, that I am truly grateful for.

There are hidden blessings in every struggle.

Even if I get rejected when I'm done with the interview, I'll still see it as a blessing. After all I have been through in the last 1.5 years under a management that die-hard want to micromanage everything... I believe that when we least expect it, life sets us a challenge to test our courage and willingness to change. At such a moment, there is no point in pretending that nothing has happened or in saying that we are not yet ready. The challenge will not wait. Life does not look back.


In my previous post, I wrote that I wasn't able to do what I enjoy doing because work took up most of time... I broke up with the most wonderful boyfriend because when two people are busy with their lives and careers, there's just no way to prioritize each other without becoming resentful. 


My relationship with my son was so strained that every night I come back home hearing "Mummy I hate you", "Mummy, you don't love me anymore", "Mummy, why we cannot play together?" "Mummy I don't want to stay here with you" etc etc... It was so stressful but in my heart, I thought I was the one who was not smart enough to manage time, that I was at fault that I could not balance work and personal time.


But it wasn't me, in the end. It took a huge blow to my personal pride and career from the management to OPEN UP my eyes



Those who pray for your downfall are concentrating negative thoughts towards you, without taking cognizance of the slippery ground in which they are standing, which could lead to their downfall.

You see, people are everywhere. They are everything. No matter who we are, or what we do, people are involved in our lives. If those people are poisonous, our lives will be poisonous also. But I learnt, my gosh did I learnt... From the bad things and bad people, I learn the right way and right direction towards the successful life. And now I am mindful that I've reached a point in my life where I don't care what anyone thinks of me. I'm not here to prove myself to anyone. Just live my purpose. 


Dear Allah,
thank you for surrounding me with positive people who supports me even though I feel like the worst human being around, and thank you baby for being patient with mummy even when I am the worst human being to be around with. This is not easy for both of us, we're always having to adapt to new changes since day 1 but we've been together through thick and thin, boy... I always tell you I need you to be strong for Mummy, so that Mummy can also be strong and face each and every obstacles and problems thrown in our way. Sometimes I am the worst role model, literally the worst. But I'm also human, and I make mistakes. So we gotta keep staying strong, don't quit... and keep on fighting. I'm the king and you're my little soldier, we can do this together, son.


I honestly believe that God above has his reasons to let me struggle through the past year... But I can turn it all around today. It doesn't matter what went wrong before. Make things right in your life right now and start winning. 6 months into the year, 6 months left to go. Gotta make sure I end this year further ahead with all of my goals accomplished. Insya'Allah amin.


Let's see where we all are next year. Good luck.



Heavy
☮ Sunday, May 28, 2017
☮ 12:27 PM


I don't like my mind right now
Stacking up problems that are so unnecessary

Wish that I could slow things down
I wanna let go but there's comfort in the panic
And I drive myself crazy
Thinking everything's about me
Yeah, I drive myself crazy
'Cause I can't escape the gravity
- Linkin Park

Hello 2017. I did not keep my promise to keep this blog going because... it has been a long year for me since 2016, Too many things happened and too little time to slow down and digest what is happening.

I made many friends, and I lost many friends in the process to find what I really want in life. I haven't been able to do what I enjoy doing solely because work took up most of my time; away from my personal and social life.

But then again, despite all the "unnecessary problems"... Life has been somewhat good to me and my baby boy. Fayruz is turning 5 soon and I've already settled comfortably in my career - although I'm thinking of jumping ship at the moment. Lol~

I am also more or less numbed in making new relationships, because I barely make the effort to talk to anyone anymore... so if I'm talking to any guys, they deserve a big congratulation. But so far, I have successfully pushed away most of my "suitors" for the most moronic reasons and none have showed that they are potentially able to be in a relationship with me. Pathetic much, Maybe I am just too undeserving to be in a relationship.

As of 7 May 2017 - Pink Hair

Feeling glamorous in photos but not in real life. The irony~ haha! I have many things to whine about... but unfortunately, I really do have unfinished business to complete. There's always deadlines to chase. *insert uninspired face*

BASICALLY ALMOST EVERYDAY.

I so need a break from work. Hopefully I can resume writing in this blog like I used to. Hashtag stay strong. Hashtag jiayou Ernie. Lol~



Feeling April, Feeling Blue
☮ Saturday, April 9, 2016
☮ 9:35 PM


I remembered I had wanted to blog some "reflection and stuff" when I came back in 2016. But I guess work, work, work kinda took over.

Yes, it's been almost three months since I started my new job at BTP and I'm kinda looking forward to being a principal in about 2 or 3 years time. Kinda. But other than that, well... There's still so much to be done and I'm already exhausted. 

April 2016.

Physically, I don't look as tired as I sound but believe me, work is putting a pressure on me that I've never experienced before. Some days it can be downright motivating but other days it makes me want to murder someone's kid. 

Being in charge on curriculum is kinda cool despite the work load. Going after teachers to submit their lesson plans and evaluations and monthly reports is tiring. But the satisfaction when you get the whole month's worth of six (which includes me) teachers' work is kinda rewarding. Tiring but rewarding. I'm gonna work hard even though I'm stressing myself out. Being a "curriculum specialist" and the teacher of 27 kids is really no joke. There's really so much work to do. 

Apart from that, the last time I met my BF was in January, maybe? Or February? I cannot remember the last time we dated out but it really feels like a very long time since I've seen him.😭 I really miss him.

We're still together, I guess because we're keeping in contact via WhatsApp. Haha. Pathetic right, I should work harder in maintaining our relationship. But he's been very busy with work as well. 

Insecurity getting the better of me.

And yes lately, I've been feeling so, so insecure because we haven't been meeting each other! But I guess, from a guy's perspective, as long as he keeps in contact, we're all good. 

Sighs.

I just really miss BF. That's all. I know we're both really tied down to work and when we do get the time, we just want to unwind and sleep. Which is pretty much exactly what I'm doing at the moment. Work, sleep, Fayruz. 

My social life is getting better, just a little. But that's the thing, I'm just too tired from working. And BF is always working over time and weekends as well, so I know he's also exhausted. Which completely sucks. I guess I have to be really patient and wait until he gets a better job with better pay. 

US @ Yishun Safra Bowling

Hello Fayruz. You're going to be four years old soon. Mummy's really looking forward to you being all grown up so that we can do more fun things together. But you need to stop throwing those nasty tantrums sometimes. It's beyond frustrating for Mummy! Most days you're such a wonderful baby and Mummy loves it when you give her space for rest but on some days, you turn into a monster and make Mummy become one as well. 

Let's try okay, baby? I know it's difficult growing up in two very different households. But ultimately you will see that Mummy one day might just settle down with someone, and it's going to be us three (and maybe more) as a family. No more going back and forth between two houses. Unless it's visiting time. So Fayruz, Mummy's gonna work hard for us okay? Believe it. 

Sending him to school :)

Some days I wanna give up but I know I can't. There's so much to do and between everything that happens, I just want you to know that I love you very much, Fayruz. 

Let's look forward to our Krabi holiday soon, okay baby? Holiday! Holiday! Holiday! Yippee!



Woke Up, Thinking It's Sunday Already.
☮ Saturday, January 23, 2016
☮ 10:30 PM


I woke up thinking it's Sunday already because when I checked my phone... It showed 7:45 earlier. Saw my mum in my room and thought "oh maybe she's going to the market, wonder what's for breakfast..." Haha! Then an hour later I'm wondering why I'm hearing familiar voices from under the block so early in the morning and why was it so dark outside.

Because it's still Saturday. Saturday night.

Lol, I know right. I'm getting old.


Look mummy, I'm a gorilla!

Mummy, see!

Cheeky boy!

Happy is spending time with Fayruz and he's in sucha cheeky good mood. Pictures are throwback to dinner with new colleagues @ Arnold's Yishun, got invited at the last possible minute... And I was like, I'm honestly tired but why not?

They have this informal fortnightly kinda gatherings to promote staff bonding. Which is nice in a way. BUT I have a long way to go to bond with them. Haha.

Everything is still new but manageable... However the workload for me now is like, thrice as many. Between my own class and checking curriculum and vetting other teachers' lesson plans and evaluations... It's quite a lot of work. It really is. I honestly want to be a principal to see if my leadership skills are as good as i presumed. Babylove has been supportive and encouraging so I'll see how far I can go. Shoutout to #miamor for being such a wonderful boyfriend, always giving me motivation when I'm feeling down and depressed! I love you, baby! Thank you for everything in 2015, more to come in 2016 yes? :)

2016 goal(s): be a principal AND be thin. Haha! But seriously though, gotta get my confidence back. I'm really way too fat. Jiayou Ernie, work hard this year!


Hmm... questionable photos...

Got a message from the other side, lol... Asking how the hell did Fayruz's thumb got like that... And if you question my credibility as a mum, I'd say I don't know. Fayruz was in good condition before I sent him off to Teck Whye and I don't believe his thumb was already like that for a few days, as the WA messages stated.


Like, seriously? Gambar semalam? He was ok semalam!


Last sentence, last warning eh....

One thing I know about MY SON is that he complains about the tiniest of things so this "thumb issue" is big. He won't take a shower because he'd tell me it's painful. He won't be holding his toys because he'd tell me it's painful.

So what is the other side implying? I don't know and I don't care. Because I know my son well enough that if even one mosquito bite from long ago he can still tell me it's painful, in the most rhetoric sense, he wouldn't keep quiet about this "injured" thumb.

If it happened in school, I wouldn't keep quiet about it. I believe the teachers will let me know. But guess what he wasn't in school on Friday, so cannot be the whole week from Monday to Thursday... Fayruz never say anything. Like I said, this "injury" is too big for him to keep quiet about. 

And assuming me, my parents and sister-in-law were blind and didn't notice; I don't believe my nephew would have also kept quiet about it. He'd have mentioned to us because he has sharp eyes. Or Fayruz would have complained that Ariq beat him. 

And one more thing, because I asked 3 adults to check the positions of his "injured" thumb. The picture they sent to me was a right thumb. They also snapshot a video to support that photo BUT... Haha. Because I'm very particular, I noticed that snapshot showed supposedly injured thumb but it's on his left side! 😱

SO, I'm waiting for babylove's comments before I verbally take actions. 😁👍🏻

You can push the blame to me but I'm not gonna take any accusations lying down hor! I know my son, because we literally eat sleep shower play together okay! 

Anyway, I will check with him tomorrow when he gets back. Haha. Let's see what story he cooks up with. 

On a side note, my happy moment this week is... Getting my reservations confirmed for a weekend getaway! Yay! 🎉


YAY !!!

It's a very much needed break. Bringing Fayruz though, so it's not considered a holiday but no cares given because we get to spend time together! I'm going with my BFF. Yay!


From our humble awkward beginnings...

To our 6th year of awesome friendship!

Our friendship lasted from when I was a single lady to dating complicated guys (believe me, between us... We got stories to share) to getting married and giving birth and divorcing to dating my current awesome boyfriend now. Six whole year worth of friendship, now that's something I'm holding on to.

Dear BFF, you've been with me though thick and thin and you know all my secrets! Hopefully we get to see each other naik pelamin and make more babies soon! Haha! 

Alright. Another week before my weekend getaway, and then another whole week before CNY long holiday.

It's a heavy start to new work, but let's keep that momentum going, shall we?

Till then. Good night.