To be honest, I really don't know what I'm doing with my life anymore. It's like a literal joke I can't seem to get rid of. Every day it's work, home, Fayruz, sleep on repeat mode daily with makan time and junk food snacks fiesta every hour for me. I gained 10kg instead of losing them so I'm like, WTF LAH ERNIE... Seriously, kau dah kenape?
I really don't know.
I mean, somehow someway work has just been downright unsatisfactory ever since the incident at BTP and I'm trying and trying and trying to move on and get it over with. Dear God, I'm trying but it's really just... not good enough.
They took away my hard work, my pride and joy of working with children, damn it all, they took precious time away from me and especially Fayruz. Worked late into nights and weekends but nothing to show for it. NOTHING. So how do you get over that?
You try and you try and you try. But it's just... never enough. It's like dying trying. Haha.
The routine's now killing me and I'd still plaster a smile on my face because nobody cares if you die trying or not, as long as you're not physically six feet under. Mentally and emotionally, I guess some of us are already more than six feet under yeah? #thestruggleisreal
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| Miss Dora the Prettier Explorer. |
I finally cut my hair, by the way. Liberating at its best. Now I have to start the S-L-O-W cycle of growing my hair back all over again, though at this rate it would probably take years. #sigh
I wish I looked as pretty as I do in most of my photos but it's mostly makeups and filters. I wish I could feel as pretty as I looked but seriously I'm so shagged and ugly in real life. People would say otherwise but seriously, though, seriously... I am beyond exhausted.
On a separate issue, family is also exhausting the shit outta me. Especially my dad. I have no words whatsoever to describe all these feelings I have with regards to him, except it's a BURDEN to see him around. Just a look at him and I'm like, my exhaustion beyond exhaustion would have increased tenfold effortlessly. It's rude, I know, but I cannot help feeling like that.
You're supposed to be someone, your children should look up to. But no, all I hear is grumbles and complains from my Mum every single day and I can't seem to shut the two of you out. Make it three if we count Fayruz in. It's exasperating when everyone keeps rubbing me the wrong way - even when it comes with good intentions. Ugh, I just got a headache just thinking about it.
I really have no goals in life, already. Just gave up on working out to keep fit. Just give up that hope on furthering my studies. Give up. I just can't do it. Exhausting to work against the mental and emotional barriers as well as people who are so unsupportive.
I just realized it took me like, 4 days to finish this post because 1) I can't express myself so openly as before and 2) I don't know what else to write when I can only see negative stuffs around me and 3) whenever I try to write, Fayruz has something to say or show me. Lol.
Here's to more updates yeah. #dietrying
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