A few years ago, I really liked who I was. I was very confident, sometimes to the point of being cocky, I never doubted myself, I was very nice (: , I accepted and encouraged everyone I knew, I was idealistic, overly positive, trusting to a fault and lived a pretty much balanced life. Then I met him. I really don't want to whine because everyone gets screwed over sometimes, but being with him shattered a lot of my mental framework. I became hard on myself, and started pushing everyone away from me. I have much less patience now and I am borderline-rude much more than I'd like to be. Basically, I am the exact opposite of the person I was a few years ago. It's incredible to see just how far I've fallen and how much of a 180 degree turn I made.
2011, another year, another beginning.
Last year, around the same time, was when I really let myself go. I was truly lost and devastated over my break-up, and considering when I am now, today . . . there isn't much different, except this time, I'm grieving in pure silence.
I let myself go, and no one was there to witness it save for two kind souls whom I hold a deep gratitude to. But even then with their help, I couldn't be half of the shadow I used to be . . . not even close.
2010, I was at my lowest point, but nobody knew because I carried on with the happy-go-lucky masquerade. Nobody knew, so no one rescued me from my own oblivion.
I picked up my own broken pieces through the months, I literally forced myself to move on, even though a little of me was dying inside with each waking moment. The happy image portrayed outwardly didn't matched the dying hopes raging through my mind and heart.
I was badly broken, but I couldn't let anyone see it, even now.
Now . . . my only resolution, is to believe in myself again, and I know in my heart if I could take that step then I could sort the rest of it out much easier.
I want to return to myself, the Ernie I can be proud of.
That is all, I want to do.
