My life is in a mess, honestly. A big mess, and with everything that has been going on around... I find it hard to pinpoint exactly what was it that had happened to me, that made my life went spiraling down this low. I am so unhappy, so very deeply unhappy, that I am refusing to get out of this rut I'm stuck in. And it's a first. I mean, I am at an all time low. Which is really no surprise, really... since I have felt that way before many time, dug my own grave, and rose from the dead like a phoenix each time. Honestly, nothing new at all.
But this time, though... I've been digging and digging and slowly burying myself in all the sadness and depression and self-pity... and refusing to allow myself to be happy. I don't get it. It's just not me.
So, I really have to dig into my memories and reflect... because I can't stay this way forever. I have to face my disappointment, above all and move on from there.
I know. I really know, it's damn fucking hard to accept changes. I try to accept all these changes and move on. I try. I guess my problem started with my ex five years ago, because before him... I don't think I had any problems.
F was a nice dude, he really was. I guess things started changing when he started becoming more possessive and jealous... and it lead to two years of a bloody abusive relationship. Thinking back, it was damn stupid of me, putting up with his nonsense. But when you're in it, I guess... love and fear have a good way of twisting your mind and paralyzing your need to ask for help.
To me, F was not a horrible person. He was doting and he gave me almost anything that I had wanted. So I guess, it felt normal to be hit or slapped or pushed against the wall, whenever we were having huge arguments and things get out of control. It just felt normal, because I was used to it. And it felt normal to hide the bruises or make up excuses for it, because I didn't want it to be a big deal. We fight, we physically hurt each other, I have bruises, shut up and we move on. So that was normal to me. Can you believe it, two years?
Money was another issue, because F wasn't holding a stable job like me. So I practically supported this guy's expenses. And again, believe me, I thought it was normal. It never once occurred to me that he should be the one supporting me, that he should be the one paying for the expenses. Even when I had no money, I would just asked from my mum and yeah, she gave hell for that. Still giving me hell now for that actually. But my mum would give it to me anyway. Because, I don't know? She cared? I don't know.
I don't know what changed between us, because I know it was difficult for me to get out of that relationship. It took me forever and a day to convince myself to get the fuck out. I eventually did, thank goodness. But I guess the trigger that forced me to get out was, and yes it's going to sound downright absurd... I liked someone else.
Shoot me now!
Really, I liked this person, Z but I never felt good enough or worthy enough for him because he was different from F. I think the whole catalyst that helped in the following events which later ruined my life, was him. Because if I had never met him, I would have not felt inferior, and if I had not felt inferior, I would have not met my now husband. If I had not met my husband, my life would have been easier.
Reading back to what I just wrote, I honestly cannot believe that my whole life was ruined because of a guy. But shits happened. I don't mean to say Z literally ruined my life, because on a large part I only have myself to blame for all the bad decisions I made. I don't know why I never felt good enough for Z. I don't know why I never gave him a chance to understand me. I just felt he was too good for me, and he deserved to be with someone else. We spent months and months together and I just could not admit that I liked him very much and I just could not say that I wanted him to be mine.
Ego much. But I was broken because forcing myself to get over F was a hard task. I couldn't sleep at night, waiting and waiting for his texts and call, waiting for his apologies, waiting for him to change. I avoided Pasir Ris, Tampines, Bedok and all those places in the East because I just couldn't bear the familiarity, the memories I had in those places with F. I'm still avoiding those places now out of habit. It took me again, forever... to let go of my comfort zone. And when I did, of all people I had to end up with was... My husband, H.
I was having a hard time accepting Z and he was slowly but surely getting frustrated with me. I know because our calls and texts became less frequent. But he waited for me, damn that boy, he waited and waited for me to be ready and I had to let him down by choosing H over him.
Why did I choose H even when I know he was not the right one for me? I guess circumstances pulled me away from Z and closer to H, in ways I would have never imagined. I did not like H then, I do not love him now. But because of circumstances again, I put up with H and because he became another comfort zone for me, another normalcy, another familiarity... I could not let that go. I was devastated when I broke up with F, I could not imagine, after three fucking years with H, how I will cope if I had to break up with him.
I don't want to write down all the things that H did to me, but in summary, he made me financially indebted to him and he made me suffered emotionally and mentally with his manipulative and hurtful verbal abuses. And I could only confirm he had an affair with circumstantial evidences.
So I guess the time between Z and H were the catalyst. The heartbroken-ness and the disappointment of not letting myself take the risk to be with some I really, really, really like at that time had such a huge effect on me. I made that ONE wrong decision and it became such a sore spot in my mind that was not erasable. The domino effects I made on my life by choosing H is so, so apparent in my life. Because from then on, everything just keeps getting worse and worse.
So today 14 July 2013, I am making that decision to end my marriage with H. I will have to force myself to get the fuck out, the way I did before and it's not going to be easy because this time I am not alone. I have Fayruz.
I don't know if I am that strong for both of us. I don't know if I am able to survive this divorce. I don't know how long my mental state will hold out for me. I don't know. I don't know if I'm even going to make it out alive this time. I don't know.
I can only hope that this time, I am not making a wrong decision again.
