You're the strength I need to fight. You're the reason I still try.
I have a lot of things on my mind. A lot. Which again, for reasons personal or private, I find it difficult to share with anyone, not even to mi amor or my best-est, closest friend.
Ha ha.
I'm my own hero, I find. I have to do everything on my own, find solutions to problems on my own, look for information on my own etc... Alone - I find it true, that Scorpios are perfectly suited to being on their own.
Yes, it gets lonely actually. I crave for intimacy, for love, for everything I could not find or get in my marriage with my soon to be ex-husband. He is annoying, missing in action when I really need him the most. Well, I need him for Fayruz's purposes, mostly. I don't miss him at all.
It's my birthday week and turning 25 seems so 'scary'. Wasn't it like ten years ago, I was dreaming of this day to come, living in my HDB palace with my king and little prince or princess? And you know something, I'm afraid to be happy. I'm so afraid to be in joy and just be profoundly happy. It's frightening. Because they only let you be happy if they're taking something away from you. I look at Fayruz, I look at mi amor. They make me so happy and I'm so, so afraid to lose them. It's really frightening.
But bless mi amor, for being there and giving me support. I am truly given a chance and the hope that I can start over, a new life... with someone who will be there unconditionally.
I know I have my fears, however silly and well hidden, which will caused me to have doubts and insecurities that could cost me another good relationship. But I'm willing to give myself this one shot, this chance to redeem myself.
So far, I have been doing the things I wanted - mostly all my short term goals that I could have achieved easily if my ex-husband had been financially and emotionally supporting me. But gonna put that behind me, because I have achieved a few things I could only dream about for the last 5 years, and on my own, with my own efforts and of course, my own money.
I have done it, and I'm never gonna let anything pull me down or discourage me just because some of my dreams seemed impossible. Of course, intermittently there will be setbacks and obstacles and failures. But I'm still learning to be strong, be flexible, to love myself and to always keep moving forward. And annoyingly corny as it sounds - slow and steady wins the race.
Doesn't matter how slow I go, as long as I don't stop.
I'll get there eventually.
And I believe that, personal growth is a slow and steady process. It can't be rushed. One step at a time. I'm just gonna have to learn to be patient with myself.
To trust myself as well and know that, it's never too late to become what I might have been.
