Keep Breathing.

Once more, I say goodbye to you... Things happen but we don't really know why. Your decision, to end our relationship may be the wisest thing you could have done for me. Maybe. 

Now, it's like my mind is refreshing my heart of how I felt so broken, so crippled and paralyzed... that I can almost hear myself reciting my own rules. I swore never to cry over a boy again. But here I go. Again. I thought it wasn't possible to feel this much pain. Again. The old wounds, reopening, again and again and again and again.

I never wanted to cry, but it's not possible to stop these tears from falling. Our hearts were in the right places, but I chose the wrong time, the wrong place to let him know the truth. My fault. I chose to let him know instead of him finding it out some random way or another, My fault. I chose to agree to end our relationship. Again, my fault.

I never want to hold my HP again. I never want to see him again. I hate him, I do, I do, I do. The words of my broken heart. I can't see past my tears, and I know it will be a few days or weeks or maybe months for me to get over this. 

The past one year with you has been memorable. I will miss you, terribly.

I love him, I do, I do, I really do. Never in a thousand years would I have expected him to end our relationship because I was being honest. Yes, I understand why things had to happen this way. I understand his reason for causing me pain. But mere understanding does not chase away the hurt.

I really love him. Perhaps that's why it had to hurt this bad. I will hate the places we went, the things we did, I will hate the next guy who tries, I will hate everything. The breakup was so sudden, unexpected. He has every right to be angry with me, as I have every right to to wonder why. Why was there no second chances? Why did he choose to do this? Why, baby? I really love you, I do.

But the absolute worst would be when people asked if I was okay. Because then I had to admit that it was real, it happened, and we weren't together anymore. Unexpected. I never stood a chance in making my heart a safety net, a wall before he hit me with the breakup. Crippled. Paralyzed. Quite overwhelmed with emotions and tears. Literally can't breathe and I don't know what else.

The sweetest part of being a couple is sharing your life with someone else. But my life, evidently, had not been good enough to share.

First 2014 Update

And in this crazy life... and through these crazy times...

Hello.

It is 2014; almost a year from my last post. I miss blogging, I miss writing... I miss ranting about everything and anything. But that's alright. I can always start anew.

What happened, Ernie? Yeah. What happened? I'm still trying to figure that out myself. A lot has changed, hasn't it? I'm not that happy innocent little girl anymore. As much as I'd like to believe nothing has changed, I have to face reality.

It's not easy being super-woman. I'd gladly give up everything just to have my life the way it was before I met my ex-husband. Gladly. But because I have my little boy, my baby, my life, my muse, my everything... Fayruz, you're mummy's everything and I'm glad I did not give up on life, as I'd done so if I was younger.

I love you, son.

My dragon baby is now 1 year and 10 months, and in barely two months it will be his second birthday. Time really flies. This boy is the breath of my lungs and the beat of my heart. He has grown up with so much pain, so many tears but we both stand strong despite it all. Your father may not always be around, boy. But please know that Mummy is here, will always be here for you and Mummy loves you very much. You have me. You have the Yishun Family and you have the Teck Whye Family. Always remember you're not alone. You have all of us.

I'm still coping with the process, pains and trials of my divorce, and it's something I never shared with everyone. It is a very, very, very long process and only God above knows how much of a mental and emotional rollercoaster I have been going through in the last few years. Deep down, I knew my marriage will never work, it wouldn't have last for all the blessings and prayers and miracles in the world. But I still smile, because my problems are not your burdens to bear.

  

 I will always find it difficult to share my problems, because behind the scenes of my life... everything was crumbling, everyone was either leaving or condescending, nobody was helping and I was alone. But I always put up a happy front - it has always been an innate response to everything that was negative in my life, so that my family and close friends won't worry too much about me. I know they all are still quietly worrying only because I haven't open up as yet. I just find it easier to deal with problems when I am silent and no one gets involved.

It's almost 3am. I better go to sleep.